If you’re already 15 and a fatty then be one-and-a-half again. Even if you were a heavy toddler everyone will think you look cute with a belly that hangs over your diaper–something nobody is going to think if you try that look at 47. And God knows, I tried. All it got me was set of divorce papers. Which is bizarre since I wasn’t even married. Anyway, load your bulky self into a time-traveling DeLoren and
go back to when you could stuff that face in some peace.
2. Battle an apex If you can’t get a hold of a time machine, another good dieting tip is to have parts of your body eaten by a shark. The loss of a leg or an arm can decrease body weight by a couple of pounds, easy. Wearing black and missing two legs can be very slimming. Of course, strictly speaking, having a carnivorous sea animal rip off your flesh off is not really a diet…however, you can’t argue with the results.
3. Hate your meal
If you don’t happen to live near any shark-infested waters, another excellent option for dieting is to cut out eating anything even vaguely enjoyable. By liking what you eat, you’ll only want more of it which adds on more calories. The best way to approach that dilemma is to simply fill yourself up with foods you absolutely despise. Has anyone ever had a second helping of tofu? No one! So eat that. But don’t season it anyway. Eat a block of it straight out of the carton. You’ll barely be able to make it through five spoonfuls. Feel your midsection disappear as you try sending this mass of coagulating soy milk down your gullet on daily basis. If this doesn’t teach you to eventually loath the very notion of eating, nothing will.
4. Irradiate yourself
But maybe this is a bridge too far and you can’t learn to hate yourself this much. Another way to bring your calorie count down, though considerably more expensive, is chemotherapy. Many people think you have to have cancer to actually get chemotherapy but it turns out this is only true if you follow the advice of trained medical professionals. In fact, if you disregard sound medicine any number of chemo treatments can have you trim in no time.